Hey there! just joined your premium group. I have recently (3 years) left the Christian church after being in and out of it for 50+ years. Still battling with programming. But I can no longer live under a "god" that banishes a person to hell FOREVER for not having a strong enough faith - a faith that is supposed to be a gift. Cruel joke.

I have lived under this fear paradigm for so long it is hard to shake. And my path of becoming "awake" seems to just keep leading me down paths that lead to fear - fear of something different than hell forever - but still fear.

I assume it is because of my attachment to this reality - money, house, etc etc. After the 2008 crash we lost everything and more and in the subsequent years I have 3 MAJOR depression episodes and have been suffering with anxiety episodes since. Marijuana was the thing that has helped but some say this will hurt my spiritual development. Marijuana also got me out of the church because of how guilty I felt using it while going to church. So it saved me on 2 fronts.

But I don't know what to do with myself now. I have been locked onto youtube for hours a day watching videos from you, matt belair, jeff dougherty, naughty beaver, etc etc etc and even some Q crap. The whole gamut really.

I am pretty sure I need to disconnect a bit and go inside. But I have never been able to meditate - I am actually crying while writing this part and I don't know why.

So much is flowing into my head right now - and I don't want to keep rambling on - so I will stop. Can you give me some direction of where to start. I would like a bit of peace and I want to dump the fear of what is coming. The fear I will not be strong enough to resist and will sign up for 26,000 more years of this prison planet. Part of me is so grateful for my life - my friends - my home etc so I feel attachment. Ugh so confusing.

Thank you! And thank you for all of the content you have put on Youtube on your channel and others.

Hi Val, first of all it takes a brave person to want to live an extraordinary life, beyond the bound that have been crafted for us, especially religion. Breaking the "Godspell" is a process and takes time. It took me years to overcome the programming, honestly. So, be patient with yourself. Finding a no-mind state is essential to balancing your energy and emotions. It is near impossible to meditate if the emotions are stirred up. The best way to find your way to the now is to get the lessons from the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhardt Tolle. It is a synthesis of the teachings of the great masters and will help you find out how to be in the NOW. There are three portals to the NOW, one of the most powerful is your body. If your body is in pain, the NOW is uncomfortable and scary, thus to be avoided. Ask yourself a questions when emotive or uneasy: "Is there anything wrong at this moment right now?" There are bills to pay and all the overhead of life to be sure, but is anything so wrong at the moment that you need to act on it: Is it important an urgent? Most times the answer is not. Stuff in the past, plans for the future and all that goes with it is a future concept. Thus, while assessing what your computer is processing (your mind) that is in the past or future is taking you out of the immediate moment where the only true power resides, NOW. Then I recommend watching a few of the interviews I did with Julian Polzin, a trained psychotherapist in Germany that has achieved fantastic results with his clients. I see him as the next in line to extend Eckhardt Tolle's work from no mind to more advanced responsibility for your connection to SOURCE, where inspiration flows relentlessly as co-creators. Julian has a great set of short videos on his YT channel, one of them is specifically on guilt, you might enjoy it. Kind regards, Gerald

Thank you so much for your reply! Ekhart Tolle resonated with me years ago but of course the religious voice in my head said "new age - evil" Now I am ready - I will order it today!

And It is amazing but what you describe "Is there anything wrong at this moment right now?" Is EXACTLY what I have been saying to myself (about finances mainly) to stay out of deep depression - and it really works when I remember to say it to myself :)

And here is another amazing thing. One of the first videos of yours that I watched was one with Julian. I actually have looked at his site and am planning to sign up for some sessions with him. I will go watch some more videos as well.

I can't tell you how confirming your response is - and how great it is for me to feel I am on the right track. I feel so alone on this journey for the moment, so it is so greatly appreciated.

"There are no coincidences" - I thank energy for guiding me to your stuff.

Thank you again. You rock!!